For Now... For Later

I'm not sure how I can effectively run with these ideas. I have held them compressed between the bones of my skull for much too long now. It's about time for me to let go... For Now


I'm in a strange place right now.
You wouldn't be able to tell this by looking at me because I am impossibly good at hiding how I feel. I do this so well that sometimes I can't even tell how I am feeling.  My emotions lay out around me and I sit cross-legged trying to figure out how to fit them all back in properly. I want so desperately for things to be how they are supposed to be; not only in my life, but in others' as well. I spend too much time watching videos and reading stories about things going on in the world around me, and I find myself so absurdly disconnected from real humanity.

I keep asking myself "who am I right now?"
I am a Creative Writing student.
I am a resident assistant.
I am in love with a handsome boy.
I am a friend to many.
I am a daughter and a sister.
I am a follower of and lover of Christ and what he has done.
But I am desperately seeking more.

I am in a strange place right now.
I am never content. I am doubting all the reality around me.
The problem is that every time I become empty, I get upset that I am empty instead of letting in the only thing that matters back into my life.

I forget that God is bigger than the problems that I fit into the wrinkles of my aging skin.
Like so many other people in the world, I say "I wish that I was young and carefree again".
I forget that there is abounding freedom in Christ and he has brought new life to me!

BUT I HAVE THIS AGAINST YOU, THAT YOU HAVE ABANDONED THE LOVE YOU HAD AT FIRST Rev. 2:4

I have been walking with Christ since I could walk. I remember genuinely praying and praising him from the ripeness of childhood, but it wasn't until I got older that I realized what it meant to serve out of my love for him. He asked me to share the goodness that he has poured over into my life.
I am loved in abundance, but what good is love if you are not undignified with it; whipping it around like children with long jump-ropes. What good is God's love if we do not call to strangers and friends saying "lets see how many people we can fit into this rhythm? Lets move with one another to the pace of something outside ourselves!"
When I first loved serving God, he placed suffering people of Southern Sudan on my heart. I have been praying for that area of the world since junior high and have watched anxiously as God has broken the shackles of his kingdom. All the while, I knew that I would never be able to visit South Sudan due to the severity of the issue.

My cousin lived in Tanzania for a couple years and is now working in Uganda for a company called The Akola Project. She comes back to our with stories of a place rich in culture and history. This past December she mentioned in passing, "you should come volunteer".

At first the idea seemed outrageous but as graduation has been approaching at warp speed, the idea has been manifesting itself into reality.

The plan, as of right now, is to go to Jinja, Uganda and stay with my cousin in her spare room. During my time there, I plan to help volunteer with the Akola Project in any way that I can. I have also contacted a special needs orphanage (Ekisa) and hope to spend some time volunteering with them as well.

I always thought that when I finally felt it was time to travel to Africa I would be overjoyed in anticipation; however, it seems that the more concrete the plans become, the more I want to hide under my covers in fear. I was reading Love Does by Bob Goff the other day, and one quote from the text really resonated with me. In it he states, "I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I'm more afraid of succeeding at things that don't matter." 

I've been praying so much lately that what I am able to do in my short Ugandan months will matter to God. 

I've been praying that my heart is set on this trip for the right reasons.

I've been praying that God prepares my spirit for anything it might need to face.

I've been praying for peace that He will tackle the small obstacles and be in the minute details.

I've been praying that others might join me in these prayers.

I know that this trip won't seem like a big deal to a lot of people reading this, but I believe that God has chosen people in my life who will feel led to be in prayer with me in this time. If you would like to be updated on my planning, would like to pray with me, are interested in hearing about my upcoming adventure, or would like to contribute/ support me in any way please let me know!

It would be great to know that I have people walking alongside of me in this confusing time.

You are the greatest for reading this!

Now go out and embrace God's blessings-

-Alison

          O, for an oar to split the sea like Moses
          And gather souls whose minds are blank horizons,

          Stagnant and sore.

          I dare my toes to tumble past the roses

          To be back grounded amongst the thorny labyrinth

          Pregnant with gore.

          But sitting in my room I hear a silence

          that speaks me still and suffocates desire

          outside the door.

          Has ponder yet conducted worldly cadence

          Or heightened humbled man from midst the mire?

          Be still no more.